I'm Not Worthy

We made it through last weekend because he was on a camping trip with the guys. I knew where he was and that he was out of reach, so I was fine. I did my thing, kept fairly busy, and thought that I was fine. But I called him Sunday afternoon, and I was fine, until we talked. The same thing with him - he was fine until he came home and saw the things I'd left behind ... and then I called and he heard my voice ... and we both lost it.

We didn't talk again that night, but he sat down and wrote me a long email and told me some of the most heartfelt things I'd ever heard. He really examined himself and realized some of the mistakes he had made ... mistakes he has made before but which he's made again ... and again. And it really gave me insight and on Monday and Tuesday we had hour long talks that were the best conversations we'd ever had and we wondered why we hadn't been able to talk like this all along?

But we were never ready at the same time ... or maybe just not ready to listen to each other. We've both been unhappy but neither one of us knew what to do about it. It is so sad because we care about each other so much. I really did want for him to be the one ... and yet somehow I think that even if we had been able to talk, we may have eventually come to the same conclusion.

Why, if I've been moaning and crying and saying, he's great, but he's not the one, why am I then not relieved that it's over?

I'm going through scenarios in my head again and I need to stop doing that. I'm romanticizing the best and conveniently overlooking the worst parts of our relationship. The man withdrew and withheld sex from me. Does that sound familiar? Hello ... marriage of nine years ... I should be grateful I managed to get out after four.

I need to keep reminding myself that this is what I've been saying I wanted for at least two years now. I need to keep reminding myself that I need to set personal goals and then work to achieve them. I need to keep reminding myself that I deserve to have the whole PIE.

But before I do, let me just make note of our farewell date last night when he reminded me that he'd heard a story about flammable bathrobes and that I should check to be sure my new robe wasn't one of the dangerous ones ... and how he told me that if I got into a jam, he would rent his father's house to me ... and how he broke down when I told him that I was going to take the lupin he'd dug up for me and plant it at my mother's house so I would have it down the road, not knowing where my path will lead in the next few years ... and how he smiled and said "Don't be sad" as he walked out the door at the end of the night.

And let me remind myself of how others have reacted to the news ... how the woman I work for told me that everyone cared about me and that they would be supportive of me as I go through this process ... how Peter helped me with yardwork last weekend while he waited for a ride, and how he called me for lunch on Wednesday and again just a few hours ago to be sure I was okay ... how Katherine has told me to call her when I'm awake at 3:00 in the morning and can't go back to sleep ... let me remind myself of how many damn people care about me and love me.

The only one who doesn't seem to love me is me.

I sent him a message this morning saying "Thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me more than I love myself." I appreciate the love and I need to learn how to give it to myself. I stood in the mirror this morning and I said out loud "I am worthy of love. I am loved. I love myself."

I need to keep saying that until I believe it.